Wednesday, October 13, 2010

13302346564321

I'm never satisfied
hearing the "I'm sorry."
What I want to hear is
"I'm suffering."

I was cruel.
I was a bitch.
I was a monster.

He was an innocent boy.
He was a happy boy.
He was a good boy.

Karma. Cursed. Pay.

I heard from him directly
he didn't know what to do.
He wanted to cry.

That's why I've never looked back from that point onwards.

My jaw dropped when I read the things I have written down seven years ago.

Alam kong matagal na pero hindi ako makapaniwala na ang sama kong tao. Bilang isang tao hindi ko dapat nagawa yung mga bagay na nagawa ko sa kanya.
It's bothering me today big time!

5403248? Yup, I dialled the number because "do one thing every day that scares you." My heart was pounding as I was hearing the ring on the other line. I didn't know what I was going to say if in case he answers the phone. I'll have to have a very good reason as to why I was calling late at night or as to why I was looking for him if he answers the phone.
Three more rings. Two. One.
No answer. I hung up.

Not many people realize that yesterday is as important as tomorrow. But the most important of all is now. If I didn't give a shot to call the number I will have to wait until tomorrow. When tomorrow arrives. I may have lost my courage to call the number and let it go. Which is wrong.
I guess, I'll have to try calling the number tomorrow.

Yes he tried hurting me back after what I did. He kinda lost the respect at some point. I ignored it. I ignored him. He never deserve all of these.

I couldn't encode what I have written down on my 2003 calender because the words are so small it's a a pain reading them. I couldn't even read some of the sentences.
I couldn't encode them or rewrite them again because; I hated how cruel I was to those people who actually cared for me, how crazy I was for people who was not worth to play a part of my life. Well, without them I wouldn't be here by now writing this letter down.

It's hurt me so much to have hurt so many people. Was I even on drugs during those times? Was I under the influence of alcohol or something?

Did I hurt him so much? Yes.
Did he hate me for it? He should.

What kills me is that I feel like it all just happened recently the fact that it all happened seven years ago. And it was over a year ago the last time I saw him.

He was a boy.
She was a girl.
Can I make it any more obvious?

He wanted her.
She never tell.
Secretly she wanted him as well.

He was a skaterboi.
She said, "See you later, boy."
He wasn't good enough for her.

Too bad that she didn't see,
she didn't see the man that boy could be.
There is more than meet the eye.
She didn't see his soul that is inside.

Feeling ko 'pag hindi ako nagsasalita, ang tingin sa akin wala akong konsenyang tao.
At feeling ko din kung magsasalita naman ako ng nararamdaman ko -- nangongonsensya ako ng ibang tao.

Did I ever think of using him as the rebound guy? No. I didn't. I wasn't even aware that there's such a thing.
I liked him then.
But why all of a sudden I broke up with him? I have no idea. Maybe because of PMS? Lie. Because I exactly do know why.

-Because he was not being careful. He let a camera slipped out of his hands and dropped it.
-Because he was a coward. He's always paranoid of bystanders everywhere, anywhere.

Wow, two reasons? TWO FUCKING HORRIBLE REASONS. Was I even perfect? Unbelievable. Or maybe..

-Because I was not over with the last boy yet.

Ha! There I said it.

Maybe by analyzing everything now and dissecting everything that I did and said would set me free. Maybe. But this isn't an excuse for all the things I have done for him.

I feel horrible. What I did was ruthless.
It took me seven years to figure all this out? Seven!

He was what he was and I hated it? Absurd.

So today, do I.. What do I do?
I want him to know that..
>I liked him. I did. I really liked him. I still do. There's still a part of me that will always like him.
>He was never been bad towards me. Until he realized how much pain I've caused him and how much I have hurt him. Today it's different. I'm not saying he's bad with me but.. after what I did, what can I expect, right? It's just fair.
>I was an idiot. I was irrational. I was.. I created an emo out of him. I could be wrong about this, I'm not sure.
>I want him to know that I have changed through the years. I realized how bad I was. And I believed he has changed a lot too.
>I have realized what I have done and all the consequences along with it.

Gusto kong malaman niya
na malaki ang nagawa
kong pagkakamali.
And I'm suffering.

I cannot move on without knowing he has moved on.
I cannot bare it if if he hates me,
if he hates all the past.
And I'll never be able to move on if
he is a guy full of hate of this world.
Then, I will forever be suffering.

Today, I would just like to know if..
he forgot all the pain,
he completely moved on,
and if he is a happy person of today.

If it's yes..
then I'm relieved.
And I can say..
I'm free from suffering.
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